I tried to watch the Republican convention tonight on Fox News. For the same reasons that I would want my tour guide of the Serengeti to be someone with a nearby zip code – so too did I want to watch the RNC through the eyes of a local resident; namely, Fox News.
I set the DVR to record from 6-10pm. I had an event from 6-7:30pm, so I knew I would be home late.
The first face I saw was that of Charles Krauthammer, whose appearance today bears a striking resemblance to the way Christopher Reeve probably looks today. It may seem like an unkind comparison, but it’s a valid one. Check that shit out.
I watched the entire hour of Special Report with Brit Hume. This was relatively painless, but only because I can never understand what Brit Hume is saying. He sounds the way a St. Bernard would sound if his mouth were filled with chicken and he was trying to talk to you. Seriously, give him a listen and then tell me I’m wrong. You won’t, because you can’t.
What I enjoyed most was the explicit statement that Hurricane Gustav was just as bad as Katrina, but our government did such an amazing job that there’s nary a single bad thing to report. Bullshit. Fuck you, Humey.
Next, I watched Shepherd Smith. Here’s the crazy thing – and I am NOT making this up. I watched a full hour of this shit, and I don’t remember a single thing. Maybe it was half an hour. I’m not kidding. My mind is blank. There’s nothing I can tell you about this hour of my life, except that Shepherd Smith did not play an important role in it.
I only managed to watch five minutes of Bill O’Reilly. I had to stop. I had to fucking stop. I couldn’t even take five minutes.
The problem with Bill O’Reilly is that no matter what horrible thing you choose to compare him to, the analogy fails on some symbolic level because you instantly start feeling bad for the horrible thing. Pieces of shit, douche bags, and assholes everywhere have been dealt a bad hand in the name of the metaphor.
And so the best I can do is tell you that Bill O’Reilly is a lot like Karl Rove.