3 Reasons Why America is Bigger than a Car Wash

According to the Washington Post, Sarah and her husband were 40% owners of a car wash. Not only did the business fold, but the Palins failed to report their investment, and the business repeatedly failed to file its required reports and failed to pay its licensing fees. This was the second such failed business investment by Sarah Palin – the first being Rouge Cou, a business whose name in French translates to “Red Neck”. How continental.

Look, I’m not a Sarah Palin hater. She’s obviously a great person with lots of ambition and a loving family.  Yet I’m a little concerned that a person who cannot run a car wash ought not to be managing a global superpower.  To test this logic, I think it is important to identify at least three different ways in which America is bigger than a car wash. 

1. The United States federal government employs 1.8 million people, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. Most car washes hover around seven. Admittedly, the numbers are a bit skewed as many car washes now feature towel-dry service. Since the Palins failed to report their exact number of employees to the State of Alaska, we cannot account for the total number of employees. Since the 1.8 million does not include the Post Office or the military, we’ll call it even and say that the extra towel boys and the Marines cancel each other out.

2. Page 34 (of the PDF, not the document) of the 2002 edition of the International Car Wash Association’s stunningly detailed report titled “Water Use in the Professional Car Wash Industry” shows that a high-end car wash uses 58,422 gallons of water per week.  By contrast, the USGS reports that Americans use a total of about 408 billion gallons per day. Admittedly, I’m comparing 2002 car wash statistics to 2000 national statistics, so my numbers may be a little off.

3. Based on what I could discover at the International Car Wash Association homepage, the purpose of a car wash is to wash your car for you (or, in some cases, to give you access to the tools and supplies necessary to wash your car in exchange for quarters).  By contrast, the purpose of the United States of America is to defend and promote democracy across the entire globe. The difference between these two is largely semantic, but the differences ARE there. Both, however, use jets.

I encourage Sarah Palin to continue this list on her own. She may be surprised, as I was, to see exactly how many differences there are between a car wash and the most powerful nation in the planet, except for China.

If you can’t run a fucking car wash, you can’t run a fucking country.

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3 responses to “3 Reasons Why America is Bigger than a Car Wash

  1. I want to thank the good people at the International Car Wash Association for their assistance in this project, namely by having a website.

  2. So what? Bush can’t run a country either.

  3. I tried to read this but I got all caught up in your talk about towel boys and marines. That was way hot!

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